


Dear Dream

by dreamtoftheday



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Dream Fixed Unit, Gen, Hope, Letters, NCT Dream - Freeform, NCT Dream Ensemble-centric, OT7 NCT Dream, but i poured my heart out so, i don't know what i was thinking with renjun's, it probably doesn't make any sense, jaehyun is mentioned once - Freeform, jaemin's wasn't supposed to be so sad, nct - Freeform, nct dream write letters to each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:21:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23988043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamtoftheday/pseuds/dreamtoftheday
Summary: ❝And though I couldn't love you any longer, I still couldn't love you any less.❞
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	1. °·yo·°

**Author's Note:**

> reposted from my old account. looking back at it, i was pretty in my feels when writing this.

_**'이거 하나만 잊지 마...'** _   
_'Just don't forget this...'_


	2. ·we·

* * *

**_'아주 먼, 어느 밤,'_ **   
_'One night, far from now,'_

* * *

**Dear Dream,**

Writing this on the tour bus probably wasn't the best idea, all the bumps in the road are messing up my handwriting and I've had to rewrite this letter about seven times.

I should've just put it away for a later date and slept like Jaehyun hyung told me to. 

I should have, but I couldn't.

Because every bump in the road reminded me of you. And every stop we took reminded me of us.

Every breath and every word reminded me of all our memories.

And I couldn't sleep at all.

Honestly, I'd never wanted to have memories with you all.

I just wanted to share a forever.

A forever, where there was no need to dwell in the past of the smiles I loved because they were right in front of me.

A forever, where I could still joke about wanting to leave because I hadn't tasted what life was without you.

A forever, where every tear shed on stage was a happy one because you were there standing besides me.

And I realised a while back, but it started to hurt more as the days passed.

Because watching you through a screen made me miss the warmth that you had gifted me.

And sitting by this window at five in the morning - watching the stars as they melt away into the day, reminded me of the way you painted my sky. 

It was a masterpiece.

But the way their bright lights slowly dimmed until I couldn't see them anymore, was too reminiscent of the way you all started to fade from my life.

Slowly. One by one. 

I couldn't see the smiles anymore.

Couldn't feel the comfort of a familiar hold.

Or hear the joy of a familiar laugh.

I couldn't see the sun in your eyes after they had dulled so much.

I'm sorry. This was all my fault to begin with. I shouldn't have let myself let you go so easily, I should've listened to my heart for once.

Now it doesn't want to be apart from you and it's clawing away at the walls of my chest, trying to escape and run back to the people that held it in their hands for so long.

It's trying to return home and I'm taking it further away.

I feel so horrible, but I don't think there is much I can do now.

It'll have to be homeless from now on, since the company doesn't want to provide it with a shelter anymore.

In these crowds of people, I don't know why, but I feel so alone.

Even with one of you here with me, sleeping only a few small steps away from where I'm sat - I still feel empty. And I miss you guys even more.

I miss Dream. 

I miss Renjun.

I miss Jeno.

I miss Donghyuck.

I miss Jaemin.

I miss Chenle.

I miss Jisung.

But by far, I miss the image of us together, the most.

Why did they tear us apart? 

I keep on asking myself the same question over and over again. I can't control it, but I'm the one to blame because I'm the only one that's _feeling._

Maybe I'll continue feeling this way as well. Maybe I'll have to live like this forever.

I can accept that.

Although, not before telling you guys a few things.

First and most importantly, I love you.

Next is thank you.

(For everything. I mean it. Even for all the teasing and jokes you made about me. I'm grateful for every moment and everything that you have blessed me with. Thank you for the happiness, safety and cough medicine. For the dictionaries disguised as Mac's and the shoehorns and embarrassment that comes with carrying them around. Thank you for being more than just team mates to me, for giving me another family to cherish.)

And the last thing I wanted to say was to never give up and to stay strong. This year Dream is losing more than just me. And I know that it'll be hard, for the seven of us. I won't be able to watch it happen, but I don't think I'd have the heart to anyway. I don't want to see you have to break away from each other like I had done to you. I don't want to have to bear the thought of those who leave, feeling like how I'm feeling right now.

I don't want that.

So please keep the best for yourselves in mind and treasure these moments together. Listen to your heart and fight if you have to, don't destroy it's home like I did.

And if time thinks cruel enough to push you to separate paths, don't be sad. I'll play the hypocrite pridefully telling you to be happy.

A name and label isn't what binds us together, regardless of how we started.

It's love.

And as long as you don't let it die, you'll find a way to make it work. Distance feels like torture, but like how I think of you all when the night falls and feel peace, you can all learn to stay together while you're apart. 

In thoughts and never in memories.

Because we were never a memory and we never will be.

We are here and we are now.

We _are_ a forever, just not one for the world to see.

That's all that I felt the need to relay to you.

My heart wants to say more. It wants to tell you how much I think about you throughout the day, tell you that actually I'm not okay being so far from you - that I cannot except or live in a life without you. It wants to tell you, but I'm not going to let it.

But it's pleading for me to leave you with some of its own words and I'll grant it that one wish.

It wants to tell you that home isn't where the heart is.

_Home is with Dream._

**_Sincerely, Lee_ ** _**Minhyung** _ **_._ **


	3. ·won't·

* * *

**_'너를 위로할 별 하나,'_**  
' _There will be a star that will_ _lift your spirits,'_

* * *

**Dear Dream,**

I never thought I'd actually be doing this.

Sending this to you guys, I mean.

I've written countless letters to all of you in the past, it's a normal thing for me - but I've never sent a single one.

Looking at them now, they're just piling up in my drawer and I'm thinking about getting rid of them.

It's not like I could just send them to you either, if that's what you're thinking. There isn't a single cell in my body that wouldn't regret doing so.

After all, those cells helped my hands to write the words on those pages. Pages, where I spilled all my emotions. All my gratitude and all my vulnerabilities. 

I couldn't let you read the things that I wrote. Not because they were bad, simply put, it feels foreign.

To just let you read my heart so easily.

I've never been good at the whole _feelings_ thing, writing didn't make it better, but it helped to relieve the itch inside of me.

The itch to tell you how beautiful you are.

About how much I admire you, how much I admire what you used to be and how much I admire what you've become.

That itch to tell you that you all mean the world to me and I wouldn't exchange our friendship for anything.

Not even a holiday.

Actually, though we don't get much anyway, I'd give up all of my holidays if it meant I could stay together with you.

All six of you.

_And a_ _ll seven of us forever._

To be honest, there was another thing I'd never thought I'd be doing.

I never thought I'd be leaving.

But I am and I'm sorry because I couldn't fight any longer.

I'm sorry because I didn't try any harder.

There was something about how the stars looked against the pitch black of the night that made me want to continue on. I felt comfort in the way the sky embraced them in its darkness and allowed itself to be used for them to shine.

I liked that.

So I told myself that I'd try to be the same; that I would try to be the midnight and let you all luster like you do.

There were arguments and shouting and _so_ many threats. 

There were insults thrown at me like a butcher's knife to carcass and there were promises that they'd ruin everything they'd helped me become 

They'd take me out of the dorms to tell me those things.

But I never listened. Because to me, their jeers were the words that motivated me through my trainee years and to me, they hadn't helped me become anything.

To me, that was Dream.

Dream helped me grow and Dream gave me strength. Dream chanced me joy and granted me good health.

That wasn't them, that was you.

So why would I ever stop fighting to stay?

One day, I watched as the Moon surrendered to the Sun.

I wanted to cry then, because it was dancing so happily together with the stars and the sky before that.

It'd sunk so quickly with fear etched onto its face and I idly gazed at the stars that wept as they stood their ground and watched their friend abandon them.

The worst part was probably after though, when the sky changed itself for the Sun.

It changed knowing that the stars would become invisible to the world. Selfishly, it betrayed them just to ensure that it wouldn't be burnt by the radiating heat.

But the stars stayed, paining as they were tortured by an angry Sun's rays directed towards them. 

They stayed throughout the whole of the morning because they were waiting for the sky.

Waiting for the moment where it would stop ignoring them and come and dance again.

They waited a whole day and by the time the Moon came back with it's apology, they were tired and bleeding.

Still, through their hurt, they smiled and with their tired eyes they looked upon the sky and its darkness and the Moon and its light and brought up their heavy hands to dance one more time.

Some of them were losing their lights, yet they didn't stop.

_One last time._

That's all they had wanted. Just one last time with the two things they had always loved.

When one of them died that night the Moon went away earlier than usual to mourn.

This time, the sky stayed, and it changed again as the Sun peaked up and laughed with it as it cheered over the loss of a star.

I hated that.

I hated the way it howled and doubled over, the way it gleamed in exuberance. Why was it so happy? Wasn't the Sun a star too?

But I hated the sky even more than the Sun. And I didn't want to be like it anymore. Never wanted to be like the midnight that had betrayed those naive incandescent fools.

I felt like I had realised too late though, I had become a little too infatuated with the sky and had fought a little too much with its thought. 

The guilt was eating me up inside.

Because I'd been thinking that I was letting you all glow, when all I was doing was leeching off of your light. 

_That's what it felt like._

On stage, I feel like all I am is a presence, waiting for you to make the first move so I can take from its produce. So I can bask in the praise that the Sun would undoubtedly shower me with.

It was never my intention, but I feel like that's what I'm doing.

And I'd rather let you go than use you like that - even if it isn't on purpose.

Because even if there was only a _small_ chance that I was taking advantage of you, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for it.

I'd still give up anything and everything to be with you, but that's exactly why I stopped resisting.

The only reason why I'm loosening my grasp on our eternity is because I know I can be with Dream at a distance.

I know that that's safer.

And your safety is all that is on my mind.

You be my beautiful stars and I'll be your selfish sky.

_You all be happy and I won't break with time._

_**Sincerely, Huang** _ **_Renjun_ ** _**.** _


	4. ·let·

* * *

**_'아마 나일 거야.'_ **   
_'That star will be me.'_

* * *

**Dear Dream,**

So far, I've read two letters that have made me cry.

So far, I've read one person's wishes for us to be happy while recounting how they themselves, are breaking slowly.

So far, I've read another's opinion on how they think that they're selfish and not good enough to be close to us.

So far, I've read enough to know I don't want to read anymore.

I don't want to read anymore of the people I love hurting and in pain; demeaning and ridiculing themselves.

But they've written what they've written, and I've gotten a glimpse into their hearts.

Sometimes, I wonder why I didn't see it all along. 

Those hearts that were beating the slowest that they could because they had no reason to exert themselves other than to keep their holders breathing.

Those hearts that were in pain, but kept on because they didn't want to let go of what they had.

And now, when they're being forcefully ripped apart from the thing they were grasping onto so tightly - now that they were losing their purpose, they're starting to stop.

Albeit in time, their slow and steady is turning into scarce and barely there.

Clenching and unclenching and sending rushes of blood along with negativity that is becoming a necessary poison for survival.

Now, the people they worked so hard to uphold are losing their sight of what is reality and what is illusion.

There is no happiness without each other, so why would you wish it upon us?

I take from you as much as you take from me, so how could you call yourself selfish?

You don't see - none of you do, because you're hurting.

But each of us are hurting the same.

And in the everlasting torment of being alone, we are one.

From different sides of the world, we feel the same emptiness.

We aren't alone because we're alone together.

In that same way, if one of us are sad, then all of us will be.

And if one of us weren't good enough, none of us would be.

So to the two writer's of each respective letter, where you told us what you couldn't say with your own mouth.

To the two people I have treasured for so long and will continue to treasure for the rest of my life.

I love you, but putting all my respect and admiration aside; you're so, _so_ stupid.

To ever think you could just put those words down and be done with it.

People don't stop dreaming with age and as such, Dream doesn't end with time.

So don't write like it's your last.

Don't write like I won't find you wherever you are in the world and stick to you so you know that my presence is there.

It'll always be there.

_Just like how I'll always be there._

For all of you.

I put pen to this paper with a clouded mind and a rush of heat in my veins. With a thirst to quench the anger I felt towards two of the six most important people in my life.

I started like that, wanting to curse and cry and scribble out all my frustrations because, _hey_ , I'm suffering too.

I couldn't in the end; all that left me was the unconditional love and undying support I have for you and it flooded through the pen like a surge of fresh water from a burst dam.

And my desk is covered in ink and this flimsy piece of paper is getting soaked because my hands were shaking so much I broke the pen and spilled the ink bottle. But I'm still writing with the split nib and mess because I can't bring myself to get up before I'm sure you'll all get the message I had in my mind when I first sat down to do this.

We're not over.

I've got splintered wood chips lodged into my palm from pressing so hard against this barrel to keep myself together, I'm bleeding and it hurts, but not as much as it hurts to see you guys giving up.

Already, too fast, too tired.

From this letter forward, the rest that I, assume, will come eventually, need to be in the Dreamie spirit.

No more sob stories please, I don't think I could read another one of those.

We've had the first two, they were horrible to read, on account they made me feel like I didn't do enough as a team member, as a family member, to stand by those who created them.

But hopefully, this one has overridden their contents, made it _three_ pieces of low-quality paper with terrible handwriting, heartfelt words and positive outlooks on what we'll become, instead of one.

To everyone left, spill your hearts sincerely. This wasn't made to portray to you that feeling forlorn is bad and you shouldn't express it. If you do, we want to know, so tell us.

Write out all your worries and sorrows, that's what I want. But don't leave it on those notes.

Don't leave the aftertaste of a hopeless future to settle within out minds, I'm _begging_ you.

It can be bittersweet.

Just leave the sweet for after - with the thought that the blue state of our minds won't win and that we'll make it through this with the seven of us together.

Don't stop fighting, because the moment you do, is the moment you lose the match.

Even if our bones become heavy with fatigue, stay in the ring for a little while longer until one of us gains enough strength to back the other up. 

At pace, you'll see that one by one we've all stood once again and that we're fighting stronger than a tag team and beating the opponent.

Then we'll get our reward in the form of never having to worry about losing each other again.

And if any of you need help staying grounded before that moment, my arms will be wide open, no matter how hard it is to keep them that way.

Dream was built upon dreams, but that didn't mean it became one.

We're far from fantasy.

We are as real together as we are apart.

_Being with each other is just the best type of better._

**Sincerely, Lee** **Jeno** **.**


	5. ·anyone·

* * *

_**'** _ _**우리가 아닌 누구도,'** _   
_'You exist,'_

* * *

**Dear Dream,**

Maybe I should have told you this in the past, during our first struggle and family split. Maybe if I told you back then, perhaps, even if by chance, it may have lessened the pain that we're all sharing now.

It's ironic in the way I can't keep my mouth shut on most occasions, but I'm quite when everyone needs it.

I've always hated that about myself.

But I didn't come here to wallow in my own self-pity and I'm resolute in that.

My problems, I'll speak with my own mouth, words that I know will be distorted and forgotten with time.

My love, I'll write down, so that you can always look back and remind yourself of its permanent existence.

Reading Mark's letter gave me relief.

It reassured me, knowing that someone else was going through the exact same thing as I was.

Reading Renjun's letter gave me a kick of reality.

It grounded me, knowing that each and everyone one of us has an internal struggle.

Reading Jeno's letter gave me hope.

It inspired me, knowing that there were some of us who still weren't letting go. 

What I should have told you during that time was that, dark days exist and so do bright nights.

The world exists in contrast.

We live and breathe contradictions.

They tell us that we can't be together any longer.

So going by the natural course of life in which every one thing opposes the other, what will be the outcome?

We'll be together the longest.

_Together for the longest forever._

We'll be standing together by each other's sides for our infinity and everyone will watch in awe because our friendship hasn't wavered a bit since the time it had been created.

By the way the universe works, this obstacle that was supposed to weaken us, will make us stronger.

We were built to break, so we won't.

We won't let them go through with this because who are they to make things work the way they should?

Who are they to tell the world to spin any differently than it already does?

They're a big group of people, but compared to the seven of us, they're small.

Because the hundreds and thousands of them didn't suffer like we did.

No one put them together and gave them the opportunity to learn to like - learn to _love_ each other, and then forcefully try to tear them apart.

They haven't worked the way we have, they haven't shared enough blood, sweat or tears to call themselves a family.

So they haven't got any authority to rip ours apart.

If night turning to day reminded you too much about order turning to truth.

If the stars and the sky reminded you too much about me and you.

If reading about those things reminded you too much about what you were feeling yourself.

If that's what it was, then that means you were loved.

That you _are_ loved.

It means that inside, you didn't want to let go because you found love in one another.

You loved and were loved and loving made you whole.

And throwing yourself out of that loop was like drowning yourself in a vat of cold water.

You can't breathe or grasp the reality of the situation. All you can feel is the heavy weight that's gushing around you, atop you and below you and you just want an escape.

So you let yourself sink deeper, thinking that you'll find an exit in the drop.

It didn't dawn upon you that all you had to do was swim to the surface, where everyone was waiting worriedly.

You brought the end closer, chasing temporary solace.

Struggle a little more and move your tired body upwards. You'd feel like you were dying, but there was a haven away from the water, one that wouldn't disappear.

There are just a few minutes of intense anguish and then it's all gone like it wasn't there to begin with.

Wouldn't you prefer that, rather than letting yourself down further; killing yourself slowly?

And you tell me if you'd be able to die in peace knowing you left six other people behind.

Six people who cosseted you for the better part of both yours and their lives.

You wouldn't.

You couldn't.

Because they were more important to you than you were to yourself.

It may not be a good thing, but it is what it is.

They were there to love you when you couldn't love yourself.

And they raised you up when you couldn't stand on your own two feet.

They all left their first places to help you from your last.

And to think you'd even had a first-thought about abandoning them.

I know what you're feeling as you're reading this, that type of guilt you can't just swallow down because it's already buried itself deep within the pit of your stomach.

I know, because I feel it too.

Because I also wanted to give up on what we had.

Why wouldn't I?

I'd never liked swimming or working any harder than I needed to, giving up and letting myself be engulfed by the water seemed like the easiest option.

I deceived myself and I nearly realised too late.

Going under was the hardest, because there would be no you.

No you, to help me through it and meet me on the other side.

No you, to tell me that I did well and pat me on the back.

And I didn't want a life or death without you there so I started on my way up.

I'm still going up, by the way, it's hard and sometimes I can taste salt on the tip of my tongue, but knowing that you'll all be there to greet me with warm hugs and pretty smiles keeps me going.

The image of us as we started and as we grew, makes me never want to stop trying even if I never reach the top.

Because I know, the image of us as we end is something I never want to see.

And I never will.

Because this is Dream.

_And we exist, we will never cease to._

**Sincerely, Lee** **Donghyuck** **.**


	6. ·break·

* * *

_**'이해 못 할 크기로,'** _   
_'The scale of the size nobody will understand,'_

* * *

**Dear Dream,**

I don't think I've let you guys know enough.

I don't think I've ever let you in enough for you to see.

I don't think it was bad of me either.

To keep away from you, the extent of my love.

There's things that everyone runs from in their lives, things everyone is afraid of.

For me, losing you was such a thing.

I don't think I've ever pictured a day without us together ever since we first met as a group.

Ever since the first introduction.

I remember how I couldn't sleep that night because I was thinking about how we would end up interacting the next day.

Would we like each other?

Would we get along?

And when time came that the next day graced us, I watched as Donghyuck and Renjun bickered over who's voice was better and it was then that I understood.

Of course we would go well together, we were all chasing the same dream.

After that, I couldn't get you all out of my head.

There was just so much I wanted to know about each and every one of you and I was bursting at the seams with questions.

I wanted to know everything I possibly could about the people I'd be running alongside from then on.

A year hadn't even passed by the time I decided that yes, these were the people I'd take a bullet for without a second-thought.

It didn't take long for me to know that I never wanted to let go of you guys.

It didn't take me long to change my dream.

From the adrenaline rush of being on stage to the comfort that I found within your gaze.

All I dreamt from then on, was us.

From then on you were family, not friends.

And I never thought a family could grow any closer than we had, but we did.

We shared all our smiles and all our tears. Gave each other light and pieced together each other's broken hearts.

Sometimes, I feel like when you mended mine, you took a fragment with you and filled the gap with one of your own.

That must be why my heart is hurting so much right now.

And you can feel it too, right?

Like a gaping hole is forming in the depth of your chest and suffocating you mercilessly from the inside.

Because you're taking back the part you put in me and throwing my one away from you.

Because your trying to put our hearts together as they were originally.

But it's not that easy, because I became so used to carrying you around with me, my body's rejecting everything else.

My heart doesn't want it's missing shard back, it wants yours.

_And yours wants mines._

Don't return it, it's yours to keep.

You don't have to treasure it like I do, but know that it's there.

That a part of me will always be with you even if you throw me away.

More than my own words an actions can illustrate, I love you more than that.

So I was happy I never told you.

I was happy that I doted on you in the times I was struggling. Happy, that instead of telling you about all the little things that made me hate myself, I used that time to adulate you.

After all, even if you were only aware of a small fraction of my endearment towards you, you still walked away from me.

_From us._

So if you knew it to its full capacity - if I bared my biggest weakness too much, I don't think I could even begin to imagine the way it would cripple me to see you leave.

If I knew that you knew.

It would've killed me.

I think it did me good for once, loving rather than being loved.

Holding rather than being held.

Lying rather than searching for help.

I'm sorry that my letter couldn't be one of the more positive ones, but I don't think I can cope anymore.

There are too many empty spaces inside the mess that used to be my heart.

Too many, and it hurts to breathe. It hurts to live and to continue living on with that smile you said you adored.

I've being trying all this time because you said I looked better this way, because you said you never wanted to see it gone.

I'm still trying even now, as I'm desperately reaching out to collect all of the scraps of my wrecked core that have been thrown back at me.

They're cutting me like the sharp edges of cold glass and I'm trying so hard, trying to push them back in to where they belong.

But they don't belong with me.

_They belong with you._

I'll still go on though, just for you, even as I choke on my own spit and blood, my hands are outstretched for the furthest pieces, but to no avail.

They're out of my reach.

Just like you.

Perhaps I never gave you enough, perhaps that's why you left what I had to offer behind and turned away from me.

I should have given you more, more than just my everything, because my everything must have been worthless to you.

I'm sorry.

I don't want to let go.

I never wanted to let go of you.

Yet, I'm shriveling up on the floor with these words forming from my fingertips, coming from inside.

I can't fight any longer than I have.

My centrepiece is only heaving slow ticks.

And while I wanted to keep on, even with my last breaths, I don't think I can anymore.

So please, if the me that I had given wholly to you ever meant anything.

If it was in fact worth something - even less than a penny, come back to me.

_Please come back to me._

Please, don't let my dream die.

I'm begging you.

_Don't let my Dream die._

**Sincerely, Na** **Jaemin** **.**


	7. ·us·

* * *

**_'넌 존재해,'_ **   
_'Other than us,'_

* * *

**Dear Dream,**

I have a question.

Truthfully, I have a few questions, but time and space won't let me ask all of those through this cheap paper.

And I've never really sat down to write a letter like this before either.

I didn't think I'd ever have to, I didn't think I'd ever like to.

I thought right because I don't.

I don't like the fact that the first letter I've ever written has to be under these circumstances.

But it's serious, so I'm not putting it off.

I need to know and I need you guys to think.

_What were we?_

A team? A family?

Or a group of people who were put together and forced to learn to act like so in a scheme to make money.

You tell me, because right now, I'm not sure.

A family would know about the feelings their members were holding to themselves.

A family would be the group of people that the members could open up to about those things.

So why is it that in some way, every single one of us has suffered or is suffering and we only let each other know now, through some delicately plucked and perfected words thrown onto a blank and, otherwise, meaningless sheet?

A team would never give up on each other no matter how long and treacherous the road ahead is.

A team would never let go of their teammates because losing one of them is losing all of them.

So why are half of us wanting to conform to the system of corruption that comes within a name's founding and leave, when the rest of us are still hopefully holding on?

How did we become such a toxic push and pull?

Why is it so suddenly a give and take when we had started off with giving and wanting nothing in return?

When did it become a 'me' and 'you'?

Weren't we in this together?

I never thought it was possible because all the moments I spent as one felt like my whole youth had become limitless, but it seems like the lines have blurred between the definitions of 'us' and 'I'.

You know, I can't laugh like I used to.

It feels like my face is set into a concrete sadness and I don't know how to work around it.

What used to be funny to me isn't funny anymore because of these thoughts that flood in incessant pools inside my mind.

I was told that it isn't like me.

It isn't like me to be crying so hard either.

Because I feel so frustrated.

I feel so frustrated with everything that's happening and I just want it all to come to an end.

Why couldn't we just stay the way we were?

Why did we become so imperfect the moment we were prompted to change?

We never saw it before, but even back then, we were a broken unit.

Even back then, we had our secrets.

And we lied to each other, saying we were fine.

Are we fine now?

When the light is shone directly on our faces and there's nothing to cover up the eye bags and the dried tears and the pure anguish that's written so clearly all over them?

Are we okay now?

Is it fine?

Are we going to 'pull through' like we always did before?

Don't answer that one, I already know.

We're not.

Because one thing is different from before and now.

Before, even as broken as we were, even with the number of secrets we kept from each other and the amount of lies we told, we still had each other.

Even if it turned out that we never did much for one another, we were still Dream.

Now?

Where are we?

Because we're definitely not here.

And I can assure you that I've looked.

I thought we got lost, but how does one lose themselves?

It stopped making sense for me a while ago.

I spent over a year searching from the moment I noticed that one of us went missing.

What about the rest of you?

You did the same right?

You searched and searched and searched until your lungs started to cave and your knees buckled, you searched until you were sure you wouldn't find him anymore, until you were sure he was dead and then you cried and cried and cried because, _Lord_ , why was fate so cruel to you?

You did that too, didn't you?

I couldn't have been the only one.

I mean, the one of us who wondered off must've been trying to find us too.

Hyung?

You were trying to find us, weren't you?

Because you knew as well as I did, that there was no point in giving away years of our lives to each other, if we were just going to abandon everything we had in the end.

Nothing starts just so it can finish.

There's always a purpose, even if it's short lived, there's always a reason why.

And I thought that during the short period of time we existed, truly and wholly as one entity, as a family - despite how deceiving it was, I really thought you'd all realised what we were here for.

_We were here for each other._

See it as you may, as another project that helped to rake in cash, as a group made to raise popularity, as a movement for the next generation; in truth, behind it all, stripped of the carnal ways of the industry, we were shoulders for one another.

And even though we may not have filled those shoes as thoroughly as we wanted to, we still did something.

We still held onto each other's hands in a wish for the best beginning.

We still wept in each other's arms and shed tears about our future.

We _are_ still struggling beside one another with the thoughts of ever having to say goodbye.

Even though insides have not come out, though it's been established that we never really knew each other as much as we originally conceived, we still have a chance, don't we?

Because this time, I know I'm not the only one who wants to start again.

Who wants to retrace my last steps towards you and instead of using that time to think of how to annoy you, this time I want to use that time to tell you I love you.

I want to start again and actually pay attention to the stars in your eyes and stop them from dimming, instead of just recognising that they're there.

I want to tell Mark that we all share the same kind of alone, that when he feels it's killing him, we're dying alongside him because of it as well.

I want to tell Renjun that it doesn't matter who the Sun and Moon and stars and sky are because we're all apart of the same galaxy in the end.

I want to tell Jeno that we're all feeling the same frustrations and anger, that with a few pushes from each other, we'll get back into our fighting spirit.

I want to tell Jaemin that he can keep our hearts and we'll keep his and learn to treasure it properly this time; his love _never_ not enough.

I want to tell Jisung that he doesn't have to feel any particular way after reading these, that he just has to have hope for what we will learn to be.

I want to tell myself that we'll get through this and become a better family for each other by the time we've gained ourselves again.

Promise me that we will.

_That w_ _e'll become the perfect Dream by loving each other right this time._

**Sincerely,** **Zhong** **Chenle** **.**


	8. ·apart·

* * *

**_'내 마음에.'_ **   
_'In my heart.'_

* * *

**Dear Dream,**

I wish I didn't meet you.

Wish you didn't love me.

And wish you didn't break me.

But I don't.

Because meeting you was the best _moment_ in my life.

And gaining your love was the best _thing_ in my life.

Because being broken by you was the best _lesson_ in my life.

And because you gave me the best, _all_ of my life.

I don't regret a single thing about being apart of this family, it was perfect to me through all its imperfections.

It was honest to me even through all its dishonesty.

It was kind to me even through all its unkindness.

_Our family was life to me even if it_ _was the cause of my death._

To be honest, I really need a hug right now.

But I don't want to go to any of you because it hurts me to look you in the eye.

It feels like I'm a stranger to you now, one that can never get close enough to be wrapped up in your embrace.

Maybe it was because I never let you know that I loved you.

I still do.

But my heart's pounding so harshly against my bones because it was running from you. For every step I took forward, it took one back.

Step by step until it was far from where it should have been, hammering away inside my chest, and flinging itself against the back of my ribcage.

I can tell exactly where bruises have blossomed, I can tell because I can feel the dull pain spreading from one spot to another like a ripple in one of the vast oceans of the world.

There's six bruises.

Left from when you bent me and let me break.

From when you promised to catch me and let me fall.

From all the times you held on too tight and then let me go.

A viral infection that starts at the core and spreads, slowly, slowly.

It's eating me up from inside out and then throwing me up, just to do it again.

It keeps doing so and now I'm as spineless as my heart was made to be.

My own two feet can't support me anymore and I realised it's because you poisoned me all those years ago and held me up all the time you were waiting for it to finally settle.

Now it has, you've vanished. Now I've fallen, you're not around to help me up.

I've always wondered what substance was so toxic, that it could kill a person who had already died.

I asked around and people called it 'love'.

It's a funny name, right?

I thought so too.

Because love could never hurt anyone, love was warm and happy and it made people feel safe.

I didn't feel safe at all.

I didn't feel happy either.

My everything feels numb, as if a hiemal current is running through my veins instead of the tepid crimson that should be.

All because we're apart from each other.

Because even as a stranger with nothing to lose, I still can't bring myself to approach you.

Because I watched you trying to escape.

There wasn't anything to escape from though.

I'm aware that you've already bid your goodbyes from me and my life, but why do they still echo around in my head like you've only just opened your mouth to speak them?

You've said it once, you don't need to tell me again.

You can't unless you come back and go one more time.

You'll never do that though, I know that if you could, you'd walk out of my world one million times, but you can't. And you'd never return on your own accord even if it was to lead me on once more.

You went up and out of my life so quickly considering how long we had spent together.

And I pretended that I was okay with it because you seemed to be chasing that exit for so long, it felt cruel to hold you back from walking through it.

Fate had laid it out for me in a way that I was the last one who remained.

Truly the one alone, with only the memories of who you'd become to me to stick by me and greet me whenever I looked in the mirror.

The boy who I saw was such a fool for letting you go.

_I was such a fool._

Although, I can't bring myself to resent my own stupidity.

Because I liked the smile on your face when you opened the door to lead yourself into a place without me.

I could live in the illusion of a happy life and not feel anything other than the exuberance you drugged me with then.

I didn't feel the hurt that 'love' was causing me.

It only mattered when you'd finally gone.

Then reality crashed down on me and my flawless delusions.

I couldn't live with it, I wanted you back the moment you left. 

And it was a decision cramped into a minute to make, on whether I should run to the door and call you back while I still could or give you up and free you from me.

It took a second in which all my memories with you flashed passed my eyes in a fury, that I'd made up my mind.

I hadn't run any faster in my whole life, I swear.

I nearly slipped on the snow that had suddenly started to drift down from the sky and I watched your retreating figure and called out to you as loudly as I could because I knew there was no point in trying to follow you.

I don't know if you heard.

If you'll ever turn around.

That's up to you, Dream.

That's if you'll ever give me another chance.

I'm giving you all of mine, you can throw them away if you want.

Or you could return.

And really all I want you to do is spin around and engulf me in your warmth. Tell me it was all a sick joke.

Tell me that you'll never walk away.

That we shared our hearts for those passing beats and had the same single thought in that moment.

_That Dream will never - can never - be broken apart._

**Sincerely, Park** **Jisung** **.**


	9. °·dream·°

**_'I'll be your home.'_ **


End file.
